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Umm I think its broke. [Mar. 17th, 2004|11:21 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |masterplan - xr]

So this one time I was thinking... What to do wit Ash? I should get a poll going... haha. Sarah, you tell me to "follow my heart" - well thats broke, it dont work, so I cant do that. Katie tells me to dump her cause I never seem happy. Man what to do. I would hate to see her wit other guys. Yet if its like us it wont be much. BLAH.... Help me.
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(no subject) [Mar. 17th, 2004|06:09 pm]
[mood |pissed offpissed off]

I wanna break something !!! I wanna fuck something up. The relationship Im in a fuckin BS!!! Her rents are controlling this way too fuckin much. Holy Shit - Pat and michelle have a hell of a lot better relationship than me and Ash do. it pisses me off that her mom is just gay!! holy shit i want to kick something in the ass... fuck I try to be a nice guy but this is what happens - she gets 1 night off for once and i only get to see her until like 830!! her fuckin mom said she should be in bed by 9 or 930 that is the biggest fuckin gayest thing ive ever hear in my life!!!!!!!!!!!! im sooo pissed... i am this (--) fuckin close to leavin just to be single again so i dont have to fuck wit this shit!! i love her tho and I hate this ... bad combo!!!



ok so I was a lil mad earlier. Im home again, me and Ash went to Sports Page. Of course it was nice to see her yet she had to go home at 830 so i say her for like 1.5 hours. Fun Great Fun. Im thinking of leaving her because 1) i never see her 2) the chemistry doesnt seem to be there anymore 3) she doesnt seem to care bout me 4) i just think i should.

So yea. Im thinking single wit 2 jobs should keep me pretty busy for a while. Then I can work on my cars and trucks on the weekend and nothing should bother me!!
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Ahh mercy. [Mar. 16th, 2004|08:43 pm]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |g unit - beg fo mercy AND i stay g'd up]

So this one time I was so bored I thought Id cry.
But then I thought of Ash and time flew by.

Line by line, the words come out
take a beat or take the beat without
it doesnt matter how the words come out
as long as the soul isnt in doubt
free as can be and loose as you choose
words can create an emotion so amused
lyrical or not they still create effect
emotions and jaw drops these can collect
words not always so damn crystal clear
but the thoughts in mind are still close near

(beat... I stay g'd up by g unit. If you dont flow this to the song it sounds too amatuer)
Ash is like the girl you can never seem to amuse
she leaves you in a mindtrip wit your head all confused
shes like a demon trying to take your soul for her love game
while she leaves you in a pool of blood and equal pain

her name - ashley michelle rings a warning bell
and a love message on your pops two-grand fancy dell
but amongst all the screaming yelling and all the fake hate
ill never forget my hands on that beautiful 17 yr old face

no... love between 2 minds isnt hard to accomplish
but it takes a lil more work for love to relinquish
to retract - to leave - its not easy as it seems
yet it seems like it took nothin for the love to be

but the love seems to be true, its holding like glue
whatever i do it wont let go even when im so blue
we can be five thousand miles apart right from the start
and still manage to be true and love from our hearts

i love my girl Ash to the furthest extent
but if you hurt me again Ash its gonna mean your death ;)

hehe jm
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Again . . . and again. [Mar. 15th, 2004|06:52 pm]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |KoRn - bring me down]

So this one time I was sitting here alone thinking... wow I wish I could see Ash. Well I actually missed her and wanted to see her. I remember her saying I pry wouldnt see her much in the next 2 weeks. :O I thought that was pretty BS. It sucks, its like I might as well be in SC or something. Anyways...

While I was missin her my Dad walks in and basically asked what I was doing wit the car, what jobs I was looking at.... basically what am I doin wit my life. Im like... um idk for any of it and I really dont. I need a good vehicle and for that I need a good job and for that I need some schooling. Problem - I cant get into school until this fall, aint that BS? Its gonna be a long summer - I hate this place.
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Reform . . . never! [Mar. 15th, 2004|04:02 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]

So this one time we had drill weekend. Well my boy got a hotel room on Saturday night so of course I went to go chill wit him... I never get to see him cause he lives in CF. Well I really wanted to be wit Ash that night too cause she was looking 100% better so I wanted to be wit her. I combined the 2 and took her to Schillers hotel room. She was anti just like always that night. Hands all in her hoodie just chillin. Great. She didnt even act like I was there. But ok I can deal. He leaves the room to go the gas station for a bit and then she gets a lil more hands on... nothin big but I feel like I like forced her. Anyways... he comes back shes all reserved again and by the time she had to leave it was just gay. She makes me mad when she acts like that. So I was a lil mad that night. Me and my boy drank it up. Smirnoff Vodka and some Smirnoff twists (green apple - 2nd best malt - damn good shit.) Well once we were pretty krunk we headed out to drive around. I showed him that no one is out at these times and Ft Dodge is gay. Well after a while I decided to hit up Hardees and we headed back to the room. After a while there... at bout 3 I left and figured Id get a couple hours of sleep before I had to get up to go to Drill on Sunday.

HERES where it gets interesting. I was still sobering up and I call Ashs phone. I knew she wouldnt answer, it was 330 in the morning. I leave a voicemail telling her how she makes me mad for teasing me and just in plain being a bitch all the time. I told her I was having a hard time being her man when she shuts me out and disses on me making me feel like shit all the time. blah blah I basically told her what I wanted to tell her for a long time. Plus I told her if it dont end its over. Well I go home sleep 2 hours, then wake up at 630. Im like... oh shit.. I called Ash. I always do that when Im drinking just cause I know then I can tell how how it really is and I dont have to lie just to make her happy. Anyways, so I go to drill and head home bout 1630 or so. Im hoping shes not gonna call and start cryin her eyes out or even worse be really pissed off. Well I meet up wit Pat at Blockbuster, yes in my BDUs (pimpin aint easy) and we head to his house after I changed. Well there I talked to Ash online.

ANOTHER moment - She said she didnt get any messages! Im like - ok thats inda good it wont piss her off, but when I thought bout it I really wanted her to hear what I had to say. Then she says... oh wait I did get it and she listens to it. We fought bout that message for a while and basically it ended up her apologizing for being a bitch all the time and not paying attention to me. That was realllllly nice. Ive been waiting for that for a while. Now if I have any more probs? - its over.

WOOHOO done.
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Heeeeeerrrrrrrresss Drill. [Mar. 13th, 2004|06:51 pm]
[mood |accomplishedaccomplished]

Yep Drill weekend. And what a day it was. Getting 3 hours of sleep then gettin up at 0630 to be at the unit by 0730 or so. First thing I see when I get there - Spl Arnold and my boy Schiller. Oh man it was good to see them. I found out from Arnold that there was bout 10 people there that day. It was gonna be a lil busywork. We worked all day for bout 10 hours till 1630. Then came the big surprise - I got promoted to PFC - oh yes... I am the man. E3 baby... Im climbing the ranks. My boy also got E2 so hes pretty krunk as well. Anyways after the long hard day I headed back home to change and head to church. After that I met Ash and she looked beautiful and 100% better than last night. It felt good to see her feeling better.

I also felt a lil pride today to be working at the unit. People dont realize what soldiers go through being deplopyed to a place like Iraq at these times. Currently half of my unit is in Iraq doing what they do best. I really hope they are aight, I know Id be freaked to go over there but since its my job, Id do it. Basically Im proud to be a soldier today... I just wish people would give more support to my fellow soldiers sent oversees. Its really hard to do what we do people - just think bout that.
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Ahh yes . . . the flu. [Mar. 13th, 2004|06:46 pm]
[mood |hopefulhopeful]

So this one time, like last night, I went to go see Ash ... I kinda wanted an easy night cause I had drill today. Well she has the flu sorta so I thought itd be just a night of "tending to her needs". Id figure id just be really nice to her and maybe our relationship could head back up. Well it seems to be better because she really didnt feel well at all, I could really tell. I just let her sleep on me basically most of the night. Rather relaxing. I felt pretty bad for her. She seemed to be suffering a bit. Anyways so it was all good... She was bitchy a lil bit but thats just her + the flu.

Good deal.
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RAH [Mar. 12th, 2004|05:49 pm]
[mood |blahblah]

What a damn day. I wake up bout 1330 cause I just didnt have any reason to get up. Ash tried callin from 11 all the way until like 1500 but I just put it on silent cause I didnt really feel like talking. She texted me around 11 basically telling me to come over but I didnt respond cause I hate when she demands stuff like that. Anyways so when i did get up I cut my hair but for some reason got totally pissed off because I couldnt get it right... plus MSN wouldnt work so I couldnt find out what Ash wrote back. In turn... I punched a hole in my wall... I dint mean to go through but sheetrock isnt that tough I guess. Anyways... after that I just laid back down and slept till like 1530 then got up and stayed pissed for a while. Jason called me and said hed stop out at like 630 since hes home for a bit. Great. I talked to Ash for a bit... well I was on the phone.. it was pretty much silence cause I had nothin to say. I didnt know if she had got my email from last night. I also requested to set up a meeting with a WyoTech rep so I can get outta here. Hopefully I can get bout 16 or so months of school in wit a few degrees in hand.

But I got an email from Ash... basically says how shes changing and its overwhelming but shes tryin to change for my better and stuff and the "I love you sooooo much" about 100 times... Oh well..
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The emails of all emails [Mar. 11th, 2004|11:37 pm]
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Stages - XR]

I had to leave Ash online while we were fighting (imagine that) to go help Big Z install a CD player in his new eclipse. Well she emails me all worried tryin to figure out what "she did wrong" and all this just like usual.

Well. I just sent her a 10000 page email that I think should do it for her. I let Sarah and KT read part of it and they thought itd do her good as in make her realize what Im thinking. So ... Hopefully she realizes whats "wrong" and we can be like usual again. If not I cant keep doing this. Ill just have to move on.

Heres what Ive wanted to say for a long time (cept I think I could say a lil more than this) :

Youre not doing anything. Maybe thats the problem tho. I hate not being able to see you more than 4 hours a week. I thought being home from SC meant I got to see you. But it seems like Im just being tortured even more and Im sick of fighting for it. I dont think all the fingers in the world can count the times I thought bout you in SC during Basic - through AIT - then to F5. All those roadmarches I thought there was no way Id make, my legs hurt so bad.. all Id do is think of you and your voice encouraging me - "youre a beast, you could do this all day wit 100 lbs on your back." All those PT tests of trying to be the best of the best - the PT MAN - your voice was there saying... "cmon stud - up, down 1 up, down 2... one more cmon." All those times I had to get up in the mornin when I didnt think I have the motivation anymore id just think : 1 day less to be home wit Ash. All those runs up all them hills where EVERYONE would fall behind and I would be the ONLY one sticking next to the Drill Sergeant just because you were whispering in my ear - "cmon its good for you ... the burn is just pain leaving your body - besides you look sexy when you run" ... haha ok so I just threw that in. But even all those times cant add up the countless nights I hurt so bad because I couldnt just call you... or feel good because Id see you tomorrow. Or even worse, the fact that I couldnt just feel you against me - the feeling of being safe and loved as me. That pain was the pain I dont think youll ever understand. To be alone... completely alone just hurting like a dagger in your side because you cant be with the only thing you love in life. That is the pain you do not understand.

So yea. What a night.
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Iowa + High school + some rents = sucks [Mar. 9th, 2004|10:49 pm]
[mood |irritatedirritated]

So this one time oh yes I said this one time, I got mad because Iowa was so boring!!! Theres no fun here. I am wasting away. I could be at school learning bout cars and chilling and stuff yet Im stuck here. And why am I here? Cause Ash is here. That is the only reason why. When you throw her high school life plus her rents "rules" you get a very limited time to be together (few hours a week) which as an effect makes me want to leave even more. Id better talk to her.

I think shes just too busy for me. Cause I could pretty much just pick up and leave. I still dont think shes gets that I am staying here just for her. Cars or her... cars or her... cars or her... Last time I said I wanted to leave she said "well I see how it is... youd rather be wit a car than me" Then I said... then Ill stay and she says "oh dont hold up your life for lil ol me" and I was like... ummm k then. I get really confused. I dont like this!

Oh and plus - my car is out of order for now and I dont know what to do wit it. I can just put it a side and get a lil truck and drop a good 4.3 V6 in or just try and fix this POS engine. Either way I have to be careful wit my money cause jobs are a problem round here.

Life = sucks.
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