Log in

No account? Create an account
the shady files [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

overwhelmed [Jun. 14th, 2004|12:28 am]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |Adema - blame me]

Tonight was the night everything seemed to come back on me. My very near future military "adventure", the school that will begin the rest of my life in 2.5 weeks... everything I have here will be gone.

Im moving on with my life and Im not taking anything with me. I have realized that the 30th is going to be a lifechanging day, a day I am not looking forward to tonight. I will get over that feeling... because I have to.

Where is everyone when you really need them.
linkpost comment

its been a while. [May. 27th, 2004|05:24 pm]
So this one time... about a week ago Ash decides its not working out between us because we fight a lot about stupid things. She wants to be alone to "find herself". Although it hurts more than a lot of things in life, there is no reason to go crawling back after I got beat down. I have to turn around, get up, brush the dirt off, and continue.

Ill admit, I want her back. Of course I do, I still love her in a way I cant explain. I realized that I had been an ass to her a lot and not trusted her at all. I blame the entire problems in the relationship on me taking the wrong actions to things "she did".

Even tho I feel like this and the pain is still there... she doesnt see it. Most of the time, I see her as a little child, blind to the real feelings. I see Ash as my first "real" love. Theres this thing I call "virgin love", which is self explanatory. I think thats what she feels.

I can do anything I want, but every time I think of her it just gets me down. I still think she wants it, but then again I cant tell.

linkpost comment

Boo. [Apr. 16th, 2004|08:15 pm]
link2 comments|post comment

A random post only I will understand. [Apr. 12th, 2004|11:46 pm]
[mood |restlessrestless]
[music |Eminem]

--- IN MY EYES ---
Im am ALERT now.


Sex is a natural event good for the body and soul.

Dirty cars create dirty owners.

Love is impossible to keep.

Throw me again please!

Thank you for reading.
link1 comment|post comment

LOTS [Apr. 7th, 2004|11:29 pm]
So this one time life decided to take a really diff path. I bought a 98 Eclipse GS and some performance parts - got enrolled in WyoTech for July 5th under the high performance engine program. Me in an Eclipse is totally weird. I love it... but its not me at all. Ive put an intake on and bought coilovers to lower it 4 inches... I cant keep buying stuff like this. #1 no job... dont got it... not even lookin for one #2 I now have the Eclipse to pay for... insurance... and now WyoTech. Ive got to find some way to work this out

I got accepted to WyoTech Monday. I enrolled in the Automotive - High Performance Engine classes along wit business classes to get my Associates. Im gonna make some money when I get done. Thats what I really want to do tho. Ive grown to love cars. I also might go back and take the body classes so I have exterior and interior master crafts next summer.

Of course there is always the chance Ill get deployed to Kuwait/Iraq. Now the rumor is Ill be there by this fall which didnt make me too happy. I dont want to miss school.

Now on top of this there is Ash. Of course we just had to be doing great before I decided to go to WyoTech... Now its just weird cause we both know Im leaving.

Money is getting very tight. I dont even know where it is going. I have to put deposits on classes and rent and the car. No job is bad now... plus Im leavin in less than 4 months so its kinda hard to find one.

Its just a stressful environment. Im just not sure where life is headed right now but Im not about to just dip my toes in and get scared cause its cold. Im gonna do a cannonball and take my life to the next step.
linkpost comment

blah rah ... blah [Mar. 25th, 2004|12:11 am]
[mood |soresore]

So this one time she decided to come over for like 5 minutes. It was all good, but then I realized she had been home for 2 hours!! Yet does she come see me? Nope.

A friend thats still in HS asked why me and Ash broke up. Of course I was confused.. I was pretty sure we were still together. She said she was hangin wit Justin before and after school. I know they are friends. I dont get mad. Yet. Well see how this goes. I think shes mad cause she dont hang out wit Daniel any more. I really hate that kid. Justins awesome tho, but shes being gay. Oh man.

Shes mean.
link6 comments|post comment

Cars cars cars [Mar. 23rd, 2004|09:34 pm]
[mood |blankblank]

I went to a car sale today wit Pat and a couple of people. He saw a 95 GSX on the list so of course I wanted to see this. Right when we got there the car was being bid on so Pat ran in there and started bidding on it. Luckily he won it for 5500 which is great. So right away he was happy. So we went to just check out cars. I figured if something nice was there Id take a look. Well I found a 3000GT that just looked sexy. After figuring it would brin bout 3500 at the most I decided to go to 4. Well once it went through it went for 56! Fuck em, that just kinda depressed me, I kinda wanted to drive that car home. But besides that the car sale went pretty smooth... Pats all psyched bout this AWD turbo, but who wouldnt be. Oh well... No job still, no car, I dont feel good, I didnt sleep last night.... I wish I could just be held by Ash or something.... sigh...
linkpost comment

I see the light. [Mar. 22nd, 2004|05:32 pm]
[mood |stressedstressed]
[music |southern comfort]

I got to see her!! TWICE!!! :O

I took Ash wit me to crash wit a bunch of friends in dodge. I got to play pool! Oh yes.. but anyways... she was being the right kinda gf altho she was kinda mean :S What sucked bout that night was we ended up gettin in a fight over MSN. Imagine that.

The next day she called me and told me since I didnt call her back that morning she was going to a movie wit Stacia that night so she was busy. Altho it was kinda my fault I was pissed at the situation. She thought I was mad at her so she called Stacia and just went to dinner and shopped a bit. She was home by 730. I guess it that was fine... I feel bad... Seems like I was controlling her but I never said she had to call Stacia. Anyways, we chilled and actually had a great night just watching tv. It turns out it was one of the best nights weve had just cause we didnt fight. She put a message in my PDA but said I couldnt read it until tom (today). Well if you know me, I read that message at 12:01 am - hey technically thats the next day. I figured itd be some smartass thing making fun of me or some stupid picture but it wasnt. It said "I miss you every day in school. I cant wait to see you again. Im leaving this so we can "talk". How sweet am I? Love Ash"

Wow, she actually said something nice. Something has changed - for the better.

Of course I emailed her last night at like 3 and said thanks for the nice message. She emailed back this morning bout 8 and told me she knew id email her so she had to check it. She asked why we cant have nights like last night cause she wants it to always go like that. (pimp - what can i say) haha but get this, I email back and basically tell her if she wasnt so mean then Id be nice meaning wed both be in good moods and just have fun. Its not that hard!! But hey at least she knows things need to change. Rah woohoo.
link3 comments|post comment

I done good? [Mar. 19th, 2004|03:55 pm]
[mood |hyperhyper]

Well heres what I did:

Background : I havent seen Ash in a few days... Ive only talked to her... Wednesday was the last time. Shes so busy wit musical and track (school bs).

Action : I went ahead and got this card in SC. It basically read "Even though we are so busy in life, I never go a moment without thinking about you." But in a more romantic way. K, well I took that card, put it in her car along wit a rose and 27 sheets of paper that say "I miss you Ash" really small. It came out to about 5600 times it said i miss you.

Conclusion : Now I figured Id have to break into her car, but I knew past skills would help me there. wink wink... Well turns out her car was unlocked so I just put the card and rose in her drivers seat and put something like "each time you see 'i miss you' is each time that line has run through my head. dont bother counting, theres over 5600 in 27 sheets - the day of our anniversary." on one of the sheets of paper.

K thats basically it... It went pretty smoothly except!! I havent heard from her... I found out the bus for track might have left RIGHT after school so she might have not been able to go out to her car... :S Now im like uhhhhh oh no... haha :$

I hope she sees it shit... haha I just thought of this last night - i missed her so much last night cause she didnt call... Romantic side coming out??? Who knows... lets just hope she sees it.. it took me a while to get it all planned and put there...:S

I have a pic too if someone wants to see it... I dont have a server thatll work for LiveJournal so Im not gonna upload it.
link7 comments|post comment

Do I? [Mar. 18th, 2004|12:18 am]
[mood |hyperhyper]
[music |Dreams - XR]

(perfect wit "Dreams" by my boy XR)

we hit a bump in the road and suddenly tripped
the plan flipped; now the relationships bout to be ripped
conclusion : decisions been good - decisions been bad
and at the last stretch of the road im not here to be sad or mad
just glad that i had what i had and i kept it intact
so just sit back and watch my heart get love attacked
thinkin bout that girl Ash so hard my heads split/cracked
when in fact it was the act of attract that brought the contract
we so decided to enter on the 27th to be exact

wit many words... there are feelings tryin to surface
but in all reality - its possibly worthless
link2 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]